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The SEC as Star Wars Characters

This post is from last year, when Ole Miss students were considering Admiral Ackbar as their new mascot. Folks seemed to like it, so I’m recycling it today, but also wanted to remind you I’m giving away Alabama-Kent State tickets, and Auburn-Utah State tickets, just follow the links to learn how to enter.

Since it looks like Ole Miss students are going to elect a certain Mon Calamarian to replace their banished mascot Colonel Reb, I began to wonder what it would be like if all SEC schools followed suit.  And though I’m certain somewhere in the Internets this has already been done, I’m equally certain I don’t care.

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UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA (Emperor Palpatine)

Take that Colt McCoy

Let’s face it, the Crimson Tide have been ruling the SEC with an iron fist for some time now.  In fact just this year they won their 13th National Title, which is likely a galactic record.  That being said, I’m not sure how far you can take this analogy.  I mean Alabama isn’t really a repressive fascist government, and so far as I know Nick Saban can’t shoot lightning out of his fingers.  But then again, Have you seen the most recent construction photos from the Bryant-Denny Stadium expansion?

Bryant-Denny, not quite fully operational

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UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS (Boba Fett)

Woo Pig Sooie!

Mysterious, dangerous, yet fully capable of self-destructing and flying headfirst into the Sarlacc Pit, this is the Arkansas Razorbacks.  In the prequels we learn young Boba had the misfortune of watching his father’s head separate from his body, which likely drove him to a life of bounty hunting, though lets be honest, it’s doubtful he had the grades to do anything else.  What early event scarred Hog fans?  Perhaps seeing John Daly topless.

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AUBURN UNIVERSITY (Luke Skywalker)

But the Empire pays players

Like young Skywalker, the Auburn Tigers lead the rebellion against the Galactic Crimson Tide.  And depending on the season, Auburn can either look like young Luke getting his hand chopped off, or like Jedi Luke taking out all of Jabba the Hutt’s men by himself.  Also, and I’m saying this as an Auburn fan, we both can be a little whiny.

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LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY (Sand People)

Tiger Bait!

This one is perfect.  I mean have you ever been to a game in Baton Rouge?  Sure, someone might feed you some Cajun deliciousness, but you are just as likely to be beaten with a stick and have your R2-unit stolen.  From what I understand one LSU fan is easily startled, but be on guard because soon they will be back, and in greater number.

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OLE MISS (Admiral Ackbar)

I have no clue why the Ole Miss students picked Admiral Ackbar to be their next mascot.  Sure, he is incredibly observant, but so is Sherlock Holmes.  I guess in the end it doesn’t matter, the Rebels are on the cusp of having the greatest mascot in the history of planet Earth, we should all be so lucky.  Also, I can’t wait to hear the Ole Miss band play From Endor With Love.

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MISSISSIPPI STATE UNIVERSITY (Ewoks)

More cowbell

I remember some purists were upset that George Lucas used a bunch of three-foot furballs to help defeat the Empire in Return of the Jedi.  Their reasoning was those little guys, cute as they were, wouldn’t stand a chance against a legion of battle-hardened Stormtroopers.  But folks didn’t think Mississippi State had much of a chance against Ole Miss this year either, and how’d that turn out?  That being said, State fans hate it when you pet them and try to take them home.

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UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA (Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker)

For the past twenty years Florida has been ruling the SEC side-by-side with their friend the Emperor.  In fact their rise to power came under a coach referred to as Darth Visor.  Like the real Darth Vader, you can sometimes sense the good left in the Gators (see Tim Tebow and Danny Wuerffel), but don’t forget they can also be really, really bad (see Gainesville Crime Report).  Of course using this logic Florida would be Auburn’s father, but I never promised this post would hold up under intense scrutiny.

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UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA (Han Solo)

I wonder if this vest comes in red

Han Solo is Luke Skywalker’s best friend, but sometimes they fight, usually in mid-November.  Like Auburn, Georgia is also concerned with bringing down the Empire, though the last time they met the Bulldogs were more concerned with how they looked than how they played.  But that’s okay, Georgia still has the keys to the fastest ship in the Galaxy, Herschel Walker.

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UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY (Lando Calrissian)

Ashley Judd? Where?

Like Lando, Kentucky is somewhat interested in fighting the Empire, but let’s be honest, they both have other things on their minds.  For the Wildcats it’s basketball, and the #1 seed John Mon Calapari has all but wrapped up.  For Lando, it’s running Cloud City, drinking malt liquor, and his blossoming R&B career.  Also, they both look excellent in blue.

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UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA (Princess Leia)

Yeah, I have no good reason for this one.  I just wanted to post this picture.  You are welcome.

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UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE (Jabba the Hutt)

Of course gold bikinis are practical

Sure Tennessee hates the Empire, but I’m not sure they like anyone, except maybe Boba Fett/Arkansas, who they teamed up with to capture a frozen Han Solo and win the 1998 National Championship.  Also Neyland Stadium is the largest in the SEC, while Jabba is the largest slug in cinematic history.  And you thought I couldn’t resist a Phil Fulmer joke.

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VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY (C-3PO)

4.0 GPA

Gold, nerdy, and fluent in over 6,000,000 forms of communication.  It’s been lonely in the SEC for Vandy since their droid friend R2-D2 (Georgia Tech), left the league in 1963.

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And a few more for fun….

Pat Dye (Obi Wan Kenobi) Tommy Tuberville (Yoda)

Like Kenobi, Dye helps Luke Skywalker in his quest to defeat the Empire.  Unlike Kenobi, Dye is not dead, but he is old, and sometimes I hear his disembodied voice through my radio speakers.  Tuberville and Yoda both have big ears, and both live in desolate places (Dagoboh and Lubbock)

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SEC REFS (Greedo)

I hate to pick on the referees, because I certainly couldn’t do their job, but last year they had a hard time, so that gets them compared to perhaps the most incompetent bounty hunter of all-time, Greedo.

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LANE KIFFIN (Darth Maul)

At first when you see Lane Kiffin or Darth Maul you think, uh oh, this guy is going to be tough to beat.  But it turns out neither of them stayed around very long, and neither were that hard to beat.  Only difference is Maul never spoke, while Kiffin never shut up.

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LARRY MUNSON (Chewbacca)

If Georgia is Han Solo, then Larry Munson has to be Chewy.  He’s beloved by all, but only Georgia fans can understand what he is saying.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/brndon Brandon

    Wow… This is some fantastic bloggering. In a few minutes this will be in every inbox I have an address for.

  • Amy Marquez

    OK, as a Mississippi State graduate and fan, I must protest. We are NOT Ewoks.

    I'd like to make the case that we are Wedge Antilles. No one pays attention to us until we do something cool, which actually is more often than most give us credit for.

    • Moose

      I'm sorry, but no. Wedge Antilles makes squadron leader. Mississippi State isn't even the leader of their own state. Maybe you get to be Biggs – you occasionally do some nice shooting, but you always get shot down before the end.

      • el_chupacabra

        Actually, I picture Mississippi State to be more of a Porkins than a Biggs.

  • Caitlin

    This is a great post, and I'll definitely pass it along to my friends. It's way too funny to pass up.

    Also, I believe the connection between Admiral Ackbar and Ole Miss is that he was the leader of the Rebel Alliance, and we are the Ole Miss Rebels.

  • http://gotmanswers.blogspot.com Dr Awesome

    I would have made South Carolina those special storm troopers with the big red capes. They are in all the movies, you keep hoping they will do something cool, but they never do anything. Much like South Carolina.

  • http://www.askshane.org/ Shane

    This is great, but I totally have to agree with Dr. Awesome. That literally made me laugh out loud.

  • Peter

    pure….

    genious….

  • http://www.jasonboyett.com Jason Boyett

    In related news, the South Carolina admissions office just announced a huge uptick in applications. Mostly from males.

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  • jacktherabbit

    does this mean that we’ll get to see bryant-denny explode?

  • Kaine

    As a tortured Razorback fan, I think his description fairly applies to Arkansas.

  • P Funk

    This is amazing. Love the Larry Munson/Chewy comparison.

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  • BammJacket

    Love the prop to Tech with the Vandy R2D2/C3PO nerd tie-in. How about the props to the awesomeness of ACC football? Maybe some other galaxy.

  • http://hardonreviews.blogspot.com Mike

    As much as I hate to admit it, the Vols as Jabba the hut makes perfect sense. We aren't fans of Bama in any stretch of the imagination…nor do we root for any other team for that matter. So kudos to you sir for your powers of observation. Lane Kiffin as Darth Maul was excellent and the GameCocks as those red stormtroopers damn near sent soda through my nose.

  • Dawn

    Even though I was always partial to Han Solo, I love how you made AU the hero of the SEC. And we have destroyed the death star on 4 occasions. :0)

  • http://www.vpills.gen.tr V-Pills

    Love the prop to Tech with the Vandy R2D2/C3PO nerd tie-in. How about the props to the awesomeness of ACC football? Maybe some other galaxy.

  • KN

    It's not Ole Miss University nor is it the University of Ole Miss. Ole Miss is nothing but their nickname so you ought to reference them in the proper way: University of Mississippi as you do the other 11 members..

  • VineyardDawg

    I like the SEC Refs/Greedo comparison, especially since it always seems like they are trying to kill Georgia/Han Solo.

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  • http://solidstatemind.wordpress.com solidstatemind

    Thank you for the most hilariously brilliant post infusing nerd-dom and SEC football.

    But Dr. Awesome one-upped you: the Imperial Guard (oh the SHAME that I know what those 'special stormtroopers are called!) are far more fitting for SC than Princess Leia, if only because *nobody lusts after the Gamecocks*— due respect to my father-in-law, who happens to be a grad… ;)

  • Jack

    As a Miss. State fan, before I even clicked onto this page, I knew you were going to tell us we were Ewoks. I'm not sure what to think of that. I think I'll second Amy Marquez's post and proffer up Wedge Antilles.

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  • Jonathan

    I don't want to sound like a nerd, but I will say that one of my nerdy friends pointed out to me that Admiral Ackbar is the leader of the Rebels in Star Wars, thus the pick for the new Ole Miss Mascot.

    I know…it only makes a little bit of sense…

  • Doyle

    Didn't Luke Skywalker have the hots for his sister?

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    I think it's one of the funniest things I have heard this year!!!!!

  • OleMissDoc

    MS STATE = Jar Jar Binks. The anaolgy is obvious. Jar Jar provides comic relief, just like MSU in SEC play. He speaks in broken English that little kids find amusing, just like MSU grads. Every now and then he does something unbelievable and gets a reward (defeats the Trade Federation, medals – beats Bama, gets bowl bid), gave an evil Sith emergency dictatory power (like MSU alums did for Jackie Sherrill), and lives to pal around with much cooler folk like Anakin and Obi Wan. Unlike Ewoks, he's totally out of place in Endor (the Grove). Hotty Calamari, who the Hoth are WE???

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  • Grand Moff Tarkin

    Despite being a loyal fan of the Galactic Empire and servant of the emperor I must say that was some pretty funny stuff. If you don't think Lord Saban can shoot lightning bolts from his fingertips though then you've obviously never observed a Tide practice where one of his corners has given up a long pass play.

    Good stuff!

  • The Uncle

    Yoda = Lou Holtz. Although, I will forever consider him a Golden Domer, Lou had coaching duties at both Arkansas and S. Carolina. Both Lou and Yoda are old as dirt. Both are hard as hell to understand.

  • Darth Crimson

    Something, something, something, Roll Tide. Something, something, something, WE KICKED YOUR BUTTS! The Death Star will soon be fully operational and the entire South Eastern Galactic Federation will soon see the power of the Dark Side!

    • Darth Crimson

      AGAIN!!!!!

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    I bookmarked this about two months ago and just read it again. It's still hilarious. My favorite is Arkansas.

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    I like the SEC Refs/Greedo comparison, especially since it always seems like they are trying to kill Georgia/Han Solo.

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  • TNTammy

    Since Florida would also be South Carolina's father using this logic, it seems like Steve Spurrier could somehow be pulled into the analogy to tie Leia in with South Carolina, so she's not just a "pretty picture" (though I hear the SC campus is picturesque). Just a thought. :)

    • ana monroe

      I was thinking princess leia should be mark richt. Good-looking, self-absorbed, and cocky. Plus the tie-in with hans solo and chewy. Just a thought.

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